Hello Again!
Firstly I need to start with huge apologies to all of you who have been messaging me and expecting my further 'graves disease & thyrotoxicosis' updates and with thanks for all the well wishes and messages of love (big kiss back)..
It
has been an incredibly fast paced, dark, flash-by, ‘blink and you'll miss it’ 6
months since I last wrote to you, so much has happened; my life has changed so
much and my health too - for the better I am truly blessed..
(Photo: my husband
and I 22nd December 2012 pre:op (thyrectomy) check out the size of
the goitre).
I
am aware I promised further details and photos and progress with my condition
and have so much to tell you I don't quite know where to start but I promise to
make a huge effort to get it all down and am therefore dedicating at least 1
evening per week for the next few weeks to start sharing my journey with you..
So,
last time we spoke I was quite far pre-op, I was thyrotoxicosis
(hyperthyroidism) and suffering quite severely with Graves Disease. I was
taking 12 thyroid tablets a day to reduce the speed of my thyroid and attempt
to control the growing (huge) goitre on my neck and nodules too (propythyroucical),
I was taking 4 Propanol
(beta blockers) a day plus 4 anti-itching pills (chlorephenamine) too as my
skin literally crawled with the itch - yuk! Very sore because I haven't much
will-power so I did like a good scratch (naughty me). I learnt to keep my nails
very short so I stopped ripping my skin and causing burns & bruising from
scratching so much. I was applying steroid eye drops 3-4 times a day and saline
drops every hour or so to help with the grittiness in my eyes and constant
watering, I had a steroid conditioning glue at night so my eyes would stay
closed and rest and I had some humongous Sty’s that I'd never experienced before
- HOW painful??!!!! That was standard, on top of the above I was taking 2
penicillin a day and many painkillers for the varying aches and pains caused
from pressure of the goitre in my head, shoulders, eyes and neck and general
over-worked body that my overactive thyroid was causing.
I
was a wreck, a 30 year old wife and mum and a complete burden to my family. I
was not myself at all, doped up 90% of the time (or asleep - but never asleep
when I wanted to be WOE). My GP prescribed me Codeine Phosphate, Paracetamol, Tramadol, Diclofenac,
Lanzaprozol (to keep my stomach from
giving up on me), Naproxen and once the
Cluster Headaches started Immigran
(amazing meds). I have no idea how it
would feel right now to take such strong tablets (although staggered they were
taken in sync) but at the time I could not get enough and would count down the
hours to when I could next take a hit, sometimes I'd sit rocking in pain
counting to ten 60 times so I knew I was a minute closer, other times I cried
and mainly (at night) I'd pace around the house with a duster in my hand or my
phone reading random peoples blogs on how they coped (it seems quite
common that we don't cope that well with this condition) - completely psychotic if you think about it but oh yeah -
the pain was THAT bad! I don't believe I was addicted to the meds but dependent - 100% indisputably -
definitely!
I continued
with my monthly blood tests and I saw my surgeon in the November who had put
the camera into my nose and down into my throat to check out how dominant the goiters were on the inside, were the overtaking my vocal chords, calcium glands
and were they compromising my wind pipes (I was struggling to breathe on a
night so had to lay on my side all the time because if I tried to lay flat the goiter closed off my pipe. My voice however hadn't changed much so he was happy
the vocal chords we're pretty safe (and obviously a priority). I had a CT Scan:
very impressed with the capabilities of that! But, as a HYPER thyroid patient
being HOT is like throwing a vampire out in the sun - we literally melt down,
the heat that the injections they use to light up your internals for the
scanner is excruciating and it feels like you're weeing yourself, I would
imagine to a 'normal' or even 'HYPOthyroid' patient the heat and sensations of
'letting go' would be quite cool but I just got really agitated to the point I
was about to sit up and leave (after convincing myself a number of times to persevere
- it would be over soon) I just felt like I was going to overheat and set on
fire and then poof - all sensations disappeared (as quick as breathing in) and
I was back to normal and aware of the annoying banging that the machine makes.
The CT scanner is like a Donut, a round
circle your bed is reversed into and it is able to take 3d and 4d photos of
your insides which is extremely handy for trillions of reasons like having your
Thyroid removed because then the surgeons don't have to hang around identifying
everything inside once you’re on the operating table and under the knife, they
already have an idea and a plan of action and the less time they're inside you,
the less bleeding, complications, bruising, risk of scarring and faster healing
times - winner winner!
So
back to the surgeon, Mr Watson - amazing gentleman – love him! He was extremely
helpful and empathetic and so very clear and concise in his people skills. He
would have liked to have removed my thyroid ASAP and the next available date was
the 18th December but he didn't find it appropriate for me with having 2 little
boys, my husband and the family and Christmas within the same week, he wanted
me to get through Christmas for them and then take the time after Christmas for
them to be there for me so we arranged the date for the 22nd January, the week
before my 31st birthday (27th). I had an aim, I was so super relieved -
everything was fitting into place I only had to get through Christmas and I
would be fixed and then I had a week to get in, have the op and get home to
celebrate my birthday with my boys, it was THAT simple - if only eh?!!!
I
had done my research into having my Thyroid removed from the second my Endocrinologist
(Mr Kang) had hinted at it and I knew I wanted to keep part of my Thyroid to
not become dependent on Thyroxin (a synthetic version of the thyroid hormone
essential to the body’s daily functioning management). I found this link useful:
http://thyroid.about.com/od/thyroiddrugstreatments/a/thyroidsurgery.htm
and read many blogs that you can search
here:
Don’t
be frightened that the main search to find you on Google is related to Thyroid
Cancer, no one is trying to tell you anything (unless those words come from
your doctors mouth) It just seems to be rather common (according to Google).
So,
I was prepared I knew I wanted to keep some of my thyroid and was completely
shot down by both consultant and surgeon No, No, NO! Totally non-negotiable for
many reasons:
1. My goiter was far too big
2. It would not cure the Graves Disease
3. My eyes would not heal with the
thyroid remaining present
4. The Thyroid can grow back
5. The Hyperthyroidism will return within
years of the surgery meaning I will have to go back under the knife for the job
finishing off
6. It’s an olden day myth; the whole
thyroid is removed 100% of the time these days except in extreme circumstances
to be discussed at the time.
7. Thyroxin: Synthetic Thyroid Hormone is
100% as effective as the hormone produced by the body so the impact is minimal
8. It’s actually safer for the patient
for the whole thyroid to be removed due to how intricate and fiddly of an
operation it is
9. So on and so on, you can learn more on
the debate here:
Remember:
Each patient is different, you must discuss this in detail with your specialist
and surgeon, have your homework to hand – its your body, your decision, it
should be your interest and priority. Work with them, they will appreciate your
involvement and opinion – trust me!
Cluster
Headaches: have you heard of these? OH MY GOODNESS, if you haven’t heard of
cluster headaches you should have a quick peek here:
I can promise you the WIKI-description is NOT an exaggeration I really did not
believe (after having 2 children and various broken bones etc) that it was
possible for the human body to experience such pain without dying. The pains
started so abruptly, the headaches started and then never seemed to end, they
merged into 1 and then the level of discomfort increased rapidly to a point I
wondered if I would be able to keep my own head supported at times – it seemed
impossible. The Dr’s ran various tests and it was diagnosed that the goiter was
adding extra pressure to nerves and muscles in my neck and in turn my skull and
then causing these migraines – great!
Some
days I didn't leave my bed and my little boys bless them were saints, they
played and ate sandwiches and cucumber until daddy got home and laid with me in
bed watching films just because I was incapable of nothing else. We would
snuggle under the covers and watch Ben10 and Friends and loads of Disney
movies, they loved it really but I longed to get out of bed and play with them,
I just wasn't physically able. But, I had a goal, I only had to get through to
the 22nd January and everyone kept reminding me of that so I sauntered slowly
and painfully on towards my goal...
(My beautiful Penny - rescued September 2011 died 2013)
Christmas
is such a magical time in my home, It was supposed to be extra special this
year because my baby boy was 4 and in full understanding and ‘Father Christmas’
awe and my big boy who is 10 was to perform in his final ever school Christmas
concert at the church which is always such a very special and magical event, we
always hang a little wish card on the huge tree and light a candle for our
loved ones who are to celebrate Christmas in Heaven. But, I found it
increasingly difficult to manage all the planning, present arranging, baking,
socialising, family events and keep the home, the boys organised (and husband)
and sparkle with Christmas spirit – it wasn't easy. I remember some days I just
laid on the sofa watching Christmas films willing my Christmas spirit to make
an appearance, I wrapped the gifts and fancied them with bows and the tree
looked incredible as usual but took a LOT longer and a LOT more effort to
finally perfect this year.
I didn't make it to my boys
Christmas concert, a cluster headache from 2 days prior which had woken me up at
2am (they always start during the night or just as you’re dropping off to sleep
making a) sleep harder to come by b) you in fear of dropping off to sleep
because you know whats coming c) you extra tired therefore extra susceptible to
an onset of a cluster headache and d) frightened because while what seems like
while the whole world sleeps you’re awake and in so much pain that you don’t
know what to do with yourself). I’d spent 2 days on the sofa and pacing the
house and literally sat rocking in bed with anything on my head that gave me a
slight few second relief. I was not in a fit state to be out in public, I
wouldn't have been able to leave the house to be fair
and it was so close to Christmas I was trying my best to get back to a manageable
pain level, stable enough to manage the
whole ‘ Christmas’ event over the coming few days. My Dad had also made me
promise I would stay home and rest and I knew he was right (the voice of
reason, although sometimes cynical). My husband went and took lots of
photographs and videos for me which I watched with a brew when they returned
with their tinsel hats and end of term work, well, it had me in complete tears
of happiness and BOOM my Christmas spirit appeared, just like that, it was a
wonderful moment – hurrah!.(I was also a self diagnosed emotionally unstable wreck – extremely
true although a little extreme) I cried at EVERYTHING!
Please be aware I am sharing this
detail with you in the hope it will help just 1 person to realise you are not
alone, I have been there and I promise you, It gets better, it’s doesn't seem
like it will but it does – trust me - just keep reading.....
So, we decorated our Christmas cake, well, the boys did and I just ‘hung around’ proudly – they did a cracking
job! I attempted a snowball, I managed a chinking of glasses and that was that.
I did however have a Baileys, it hit the spot for a short while and then the
headaches returned but on the whole Christmas was wonderful and remember – the
22nd January was by that
point even closer!
I struggled through January, there
were a few days I couldn't manage to get the boys to school but school were
really very understanding and empathetic although I couldn't help wondering for
how long, or if they really understood? I like to look nice, I will always make
an effort, brush my hair, slap on some foundation and mascara and it’s quite
crazy how fickle (naive) some people can be. ‘you look loads better’ ‘ don't you
look well’ .. well, actually no I don’t I have just brushed my teeth and hair
instead of doing what I really wanted to which was pop the kids to school in my
pyjamas and scrunchies and slippers. Please don’t excuse my self respect with a
miraculous recovery – I wish!
(photo: taken a few days after we
found out my planned surgery date: my boys with their angel gabriel’s – who
watch over them and keep them safe when mommy can’t). Arent my boys gorgeous!
(ok I’m biased I know but still – edible they are!!) xx
My youngest boy’s teacher’s assistant had made a few passing
comments about me needing to go to sleep at night ‘had another late night
love?’ in a knowing way was a regular comment from her – I’d stopped trying to
justify myself, if she wanted to think that and refuse to listen to what I was
saying then more fool her. (some people aren't worth that time and effort) Her
comments proved to me she didn't understand and as much as I’d tried to explain
what was wrong with me the condition itself is so complex and the symptoms vast
and complicated I can understand why people wouldn't appreciate just how
difficult and debilititabing it can be but I wouldn't expect to (after quite
literally crawling to school one morning to ensure my boys attended on-time and had
really willed myself not to fall over – just
a little further) I was asked if I’d been drinking! (I don’t drink) WELL If
I’d had enough energy and wasn't concentrating enough on staying upright I would
have made it very clear just how much I had NOT, NO, NO WAY been drinking (at
9am) and made the whole vicinity including the headteacher aware too but
instead I managed a ‘no, I’m unwell’ and stumbled off (tears in my eyes with
utter anger at her ignorance & unwelcomed opinions) in my search for
somewhere to sit down before starting the journey home (it’s a 5 minute walk
and it was almost impossible for those few weeks). HOW RUDE!!
THEN I was prescribed Radioactive
Iodine to DRINK diluted with milk 3 times a day for a full 10 days prior to my
surgery, the logic behind this is that the Iodine kills off the Thyroid and the
bloodstream gushing through it which is obviously more heightened with the
thyroid being so powerfully overactive and the goiters being so enlarged so the
Iodine reduces this allowing surgery to run smoother plus I was classed as
high risk of requiring blood during surgery so as well as having blood on
standby for transfusion this pre-medication would give me a better chance of a
less complicated surgery.
It wasn't so bad, I have drank worse but don’t get me
wrong it was still bad. It tasted like soil and iron and coal and all things
really dirty and it left a really crappy sticky layer in my mouth that just hung
around removing your appetite and making everything that followed taste like milky Iodine. It was effective, almost as if you could feel it working at the thyroid
and over the next few days I grew more and more lethargic, extremely lethargic in fact and life became very, very difficult. Eating was a chore, cooking didn't happen much (not to my usual ‘Domestic Goddess’ standard anyway), we ate lots
of pasta, frozen prawns, peas and tinned beans (the boys loved it). Sleep
became my friend again, I was sometimes in bed by 8pm, dragging myself up at
7am, back to sleep at 9.30am and up at 2.30pm for the school run and even then
it was forced, I had nearly 12 months of sleep to catch up on or so it seemed –
all really surreal until I realised (was told by my GP) that this is what is
expected of the Iodine. ‘It’s killing the thyroid, these symptoms are what a
person with an under active thyroid would start to feel initially’.. How very
clever! My surgeon just blew me away – who knew?
He did, he knew exactly what
he was doing (obviously), kill the thyroid off, reduce the blood flow: less
bleeding, smoother surgery, quicker healing, less bruising bla bla – I was very,
very impressed, reassured and relieved.
I felt like at last something that I was pumping into my body was actually
having an effect rather than popping 12 pills 4 times a day plus painkillers,
eyedrops and nasal sprays and not feeling much difference (more worse than
better) for the past 12 months.
This was a good thing. I drank my Iodine like a
little angel even though it’s terrible at staining EVERYTHING
especially white work surfaces and fingers (grrrr)!
It was Sunday the 20th January, my nephew’s 10th
birthday, and it snowed - lots and we visited them up in Eldwick so we could
have lunch at his request – chicken pie mmmmm! He shares his Auntie Rach’s love
for pie and my sister in law makes a very scrummylicious one extremely YUMMY
indeed!!!
(Check out his birthday cake. I
cant take credit for this it was all her’s: chocolate marble fort with mint
matchstick turrets - Deeeeeeelicious!)
I didn't intend to do much, just
have a quick cuddle, some birthday (pie and) cake and watch him open up his
gifts wrapped up on their sofa with a brew and their enjoyable company (I love
spending time with my niece and nephew and my S&BIL). But they had other
plans: ‘some fresh air on the moors Auntie Rach’, ‘come on, a little walk
before lunch and we’ll take the sledges – build up an appetite’ well, I wasn't
sure but I really wanted to, I am only 30 and I've always been a fun, funky,
willing to play n get up n run around kind of Auntie and I don’t want to be
seen any other way, their childhood is short and very precious to me so what
the hell. After the 2 month’s I’d just been through I only had 2 days to go now
and I’d be fixed! Plus, regardless of how Ill I had been, I've always pushed
myself and didn't like it when people could see how Ill I was or when I had to
say ‘sorry I can’t manage that today’ or ‘can’t make coffee morning I need to
sleep’ to the point I made myself worse sometimes for being daft and just
going, not actually saying NO (which is so extremely important – does that
sound like you? Make that change NOW! The people who matter care and those who
don’t care DON'T MATTER!!!).. Learn to put YOU first, it’s the only way you will
get through this with your sanity and a healthy heart.
So we wrapped up to the max and hit the North Yorkshire
Moores with sledges and sunglasses. I do love the snow, part of me wanted to
hit the deck, roll around and start making snow angels but the sensible me
decided to stay upright and sheltered from the strong winds – boy they were
strong! My sister in law was amazing she along with my husband, brother in law
and the bigger kids kept an eye on my little Carter for me and would run after
him scooping him up from his crashes and helping him from veering off course
which he did – a lot J.... I could relax more and didn't have to go running
after him which meant I could stay for longer instead of having to go back and
sit down catching my breath.
It was totally freezing, Baltic conditions, we lasted 30 minutes tops, after 3 minutes I was shivering, my
family donated hats and extra scarves to keep the cold from inducing another
headache or highlighting extra neck and eye pain but honestly, I haven’t
giggled as much for yonks! The kids were bouncy and totally rigid with
excitement with a full-on spring in their snow-buried steps like little bobbins
of fun, the squeals of excitement flying around as they whizzed and weeeeee’d
down the slopes was enough to make your heart skip a beat (and it did a few
times like when my 4yr old kept sledging horizontally instead of vertically
down the slope then bailing in front of oncoming skiers / toboggan’s causing
quite a few crashes but all in good fun and humor - luckily)!
That evening, home, bathed and hot
chocolate-d out my baby boy slept and the big boy Morgan burst into floods
tears, he was completely overrun with emotions. It’s hard when you have kids
and surgery up-coming, especially as you’re not quite sure what to prepare them
with. I’d searched LOTS of google snaps for photo’s of what to expect from my
surgery, I knew I would have drains in and not be very easy on the eyes for a
few days but the problem with the internet and how open people can be is you
are exposed to such extreme experiences (another reason I feel it important to
share my journey with you). I want you to see exactly how I looked and how you
could look after your surgery and honestly, it’s not that frightening, not half
as frightening as I’d googled and prepared my children for.
We expected hell, 2
weeks of drips and drains and unconsciousness. I had told them both it would be
a few days before they would be allowed to see me and Daddy would decide if it
was suitable or not but my boys aren't used to not having mommy to tuck them in
at night and I was to be missed awww (was a nice feeling in
a way too). I am glad we did prepare them in a way because I gave myself the
time to recover without frightening them but part of me thinks we are guilty of
making a ‘mountain out of a molehill’ as far as the 2 weeks of drips, drains
and horror – it’s really not THAT bad.. So, I gave my boy lots of hugs and
cuddles and we chatted about what an awesome weekend we’d had in the snow and
how magical it was and how it was great because school would clearly be
cancelled tomorrow because of the snow storms going on outside. Mostly we
discussed how much we were looking forward to mommy (me) getting better and all
the things we can do again, walks in the woods with Lincoln (our dog), bike rides, our
camping trips, basketball Thursdays etc. I never even thought my operation
could be compromised due to the weather too, these things just don't happen do
they? I NEEDED this surgery ASAP, I had dragged myself to the finishing line, I
had nothing left inside me to give. I hardly slept that night, yes the
headaches returned right on cue at 1-2am just like clockwork so I spent the
night on the sofa with my adorable, loyal and extra snuggly Labrador Lincoln
watching trashy TV (one tree hill maybe? I do like a bit of one tree hill)..
We finally rose around 7am, my day was totally planned out,
get the kids packed up to go stay with Grandma (my mother in law) for a few
days, wash, iron, clean the house, pack my hospital bag, sort out meals and
food for the week etc. The day was slightly more complicated as G was having to
work from home due to the weather and we needed to dig the car out to get it
moved onto the main road so we could drive it off early the next morning (I was
to be at the hospital for 7.20am). We live on a side street and it had become impassable with the snow. I had almost completed my to-do list and just put the
kettle on so I could sit for 5 minutes and work out my Virgin TiVo planner for
the next week (I simply couldn't miss The Walking Dead!). The phone rang, it was
(yes you’re on the right lines.. got it yet?) YES! It was my surgeons secretary
to let me know that unfortunately my operation the following morning was to be
cancelled due to the extreme weather and the fact that my surgeon had taken a
tumble in the snow and damaged his shoulder completely removing his ability to
operate safely.
Poor Guy, it must have hurt – a LOT! But, what about me? What
about his other patients? Crikey I’d never heard anything like it before, everything
was put on hold, the blood they’d reserved for me in prep for bleeding, my
allotted theater time, my meds – everything. I was re-booked in for the
following Tuesday (it had to be a Tuesday as Mr Watson had control of the theaters this day and his whole team were in attendance). I wasn't cross and I
completely understood, these things happen right? I was just disappointed.
I didn't think I would manage
another week, my husband had to then start juggling his annual leave (booked
for the following day), I had to liaise with school and my Mother in Law and at
such short notice. It wasn't surprising that our families and friends were a
little stumped at being messed around with childcare and offers of help etc. It
became a logistical nightmare however the only thing on my mind was how the
hell I was going to manage another WEEK in the state I was, I had no more Iodine, a thyroid that was pretty much dead but no thyroxine to substitute, I
was still taking the full hyperthyroid treatment because to tempt fate at such
a late stage and risk the thyroid recovering by stopping the meds was far too
dangerous so I was literally in limbo. The week was extremely difficult, teamed
with extended snow and a big freeze, I spent most of the week in my onesie (yes
I own one and I love it – George at ASDA special, a big fluffy passion killer
but very warm, super soft and fluffy
haha!) sipping mugs of soup and completely out of the zone on kick-ass
painkillers. It was a drug induced blur but harder than that because I had my
little boys to commute to and from school (who’s patience was wearing thin) and
to cook and clean for and keep a home and husband – not the best of situations
at all. I could see the pressure in G’s eyes every day, how much I was pulling
on him and I was aware how long his working week was becoming. He looked
increasingly tired and worried and I was becoming more dependent on him and felt hopelessly guilty, useless and a big fat, miserable burden. But, I only
had another week, it was only 7 more days ‘you can do it love’ said EVERYONE
and I did.
The Sunday (27th January) was my Birthday, I had
got my wish after all, I was home for my birthday with my boys and it was
lovely. All my family came to visit, I was showered with beautiful gifts,
mainly from my favorite shop in the whole wide world (cath kidston) and with
my most favorite pampering products (soap and glory). It was a wonderful day,
I even got a cake (my mother in law made me a chocolate cake mmmmm). A habit
was forming here, birthdays, cake, family days but luckily this week – no snow -
yay!
Monday 28th January,
the day before my surgery and the day after my birthday, I feel rough from
overdoing it, painting on a smile and putting on a brave face the day before
but I have LOTS of jobs to do, exactly the same as before: pack the boys up,
wash, iron, clean, sort the food for the week, pack my bags and find homes for
my beautiful new gifts that I can’t stop admiring J It’s 2pm, I am just finishing the
ironing and packing my bag, feeling very emotional actually, emotional but
positive. I am super relieved that tomorrow is finally the day these god awful,
excruciating, debilitating headaches will stop, my heart will stop palpitating,
I’ll stop sweating, being breathless, my eyes will stop popping out of their
sockets, I’ll feel less shaky and agitated and grumpy plus my surgeon assures
me my eyes will reduce in pain and watering even with the Graves Disease and I
should finally start to feel more human again. Much less paranoid, passive,
depressed – more Rachel – with sparkles!
I am apprehensive about the anesthetic and the procedure,
waking up after the surgery is my ONLY fear, I never consider the pain all I can
think about and not see past is being put to sleep, the thought petrifies me
but I am willing it here. I cannot wait to feel ‘better’ like I've read people
feel post-op, I can’t wait to get home and get my life back – be in charge of
my own body, embrace being a mum again instead of hiding away from the kids
‘cos each slight noise or bicker sends me over the edge. I can’t wait to feel
like a lady again and look forward to dressing up and going out with my husband
instead of clock watching to bedtime – oh yes I am totally willing tomorrow to
come - BRING IT ON!!!
Then.... the phone rings.... I wonder who that could be?! Any Ideas? Yes
you’re right, the surgeons secretary AGAIN, almost in tears with what she’s
about to do to me. She has to cancel my surgery AGAIN! And this time it’s been
put back to the 12th February (2 full weeks!!!) How on earth am I
going to manage? This light at the end of the tunnel has well and truly blown a
fuse this time. I didn't know what to say (and neither did she), what can you
say? It won’t change anything. Mr Watson had come into contact with the
Norovirus (read about this virus here: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Norovirus/Pages/Introduction.aspx
) and was out of action for at
least another week and then (which I completely agree with and of course it
should go without saying) his cancer patients have to come first due to the
severity of their illness and life threatening conditions so here I am
completely appreciative yet sick, sick to the pit of my stomach that I am not
poorly enough to come first because to me, I have never, ever felt any poorlier
and cannot imagine it being possible to feel much poorlier without actually
dying, but to be fair, those poor patients with the dreaded C word illness are
infact doing just that so I suck it up, start writing a text to my dad, husband
mother in law and friend and can’t finish it because the tears are blurring my
vision, the lump in my throat becomes impossible to swallow, I stare into the
crazy patterns that are my bedroom curtains with disbelief and no direction and
cry uncontrollably (like a baby) into my freshly ironed clothes, oh I really let
go, no one is there for me to worry about hearing me and sometimes, we really
need that release, the tears come and come and I am exhausted.
I don’t finish packing the boys bags just push their freshly
ironed clothes off the edge of the bed I don't even bother to unpack my bag this
time I just kick it into the corner of the room and collapse onto the bed in a
frustrated, exhausted, deflated heap..
Will I EVER get this surgery I so desperately need and get my
life back on track? Am I a priority like I've been told since before Christmas or just another number? This is just an unfortunate, unpredictable,
uncontrollable turn of events right?
You’d think with the way I winge and whine that I never get the surgery but I did and I’m here now writing it all
out for you feeling so far removed from the person I've just been writing
about.
Everything will be alright in the
end, if its not alright then its not the end... X
Sparkles,
Love Rachel X
find me on twitter: @mrsrachelbeal (heartrachel) X
find me on twitter: @mrsrachelbeal (heartrachel) X
I Love You So Much!! It's soo sad reading about what has happened in the past but it is now a new year. lets have a good one
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